Tag Archives: dekiru

Say YES to What Scares You

1 Oct

…one party at a time!

#whenmyheadisnoisierthanusual #mustletitout #socialanxiety #onsomedaysidontlikeme

10.01.16 Temaki sushi and smoke party in the house with the kindergarten teachers today! Sharing something not quite about the party though haha

My overthinking self believes I’m not really invited, but since I live in K’s house, they asked me to join. Too bad my fellow Filipino teacher couldn’t go. It’ll be rude not to show up since I live here. They might think I don’t like them. Though it’s not part of work, it might seem unprofessional to ditch them when they’re just downstairs. How about a hi-bye, will that be fine?

If I go, I’m not sure when’s the best time to excuse myself. Will they think it’s rude to leave right away? Or will they judge me for staying the entire time given that I’d be out of place due to language barrier? If I try to join the conversation, I’ll be a burden to K since she has to translate some words for us. Oh no, they might think I’m just there for the food!

Since this was short notice, I didn’t have enough time to psych myself that I will be with more than 5 people while doing something not part of work. I mean, I know I could do it, I just need conditioning. But I was informed only yesterday, so I had a hard time convincing myself it’ll be fine.

Do I just say I have to go to Tokyo? Do I say I’m sick? Do I pretend to be asleep? I felt anxious the entire morning dreading lunch, pretended to be asleep when they knocked on my door, tried hard to compose myself while arguing with my partner about facing my fears, asked people I trust on what to do, let out a huge sigh when all answers lead to a go, then finally went down after almost an hour since that knock, and then stayed to join the ‘fun’ all afternoon.

I understood more than half the topic, and we had funny conversations. I excused myself to play with A in moments I felt kinda awkward. I had delicious pudding, and felt really full. I am thankful for their company, but also glad that it’s over. I survived about 5hours. Back in my room now, and the introvert me feels really drained, yet somehow feels accomplished because I said NO to my social anxiety.

I wrote these down hoping it’ll help me stop overthinking even more, and just focus on the fact that I said yes to something that makes me feel sick. Now, my next goal is to say YES to another social thing while actually enjoying it. 🙂