Get Up

20 Jul

And then you do another round of self-talk, and say “Hey, you got no one but yourself.”

TALITHA KOUM.

Up and Out, PLEASE

20 Jul

I’m not okay. I didn’t eat today. I didn’t take a bath. I didn’t do work. I just stayed in bed, and did a lot of thinking.

I over thinked. I over thinked about how I have too many thoughts, and that no one listens.

I know writing helps, but somehow today, I wanted another breathing soul to hear me out. I tried reaching out to her. I was just told I complicate things, that I should sleep, and try to calm down.

I realized opening up to her won’t work, so I had to force myself to write this.

I’m not really okay, and I don’t know why. Hormones, that’s what I always blame when I don’t know why I’m down.

I need an upper. I need someone to pull me up, and out of this.

Fast.

Please.

‘Yun lang

11 Mar

Minsan bastos, madalas takot.

One Month

12 Feb

…and I’m scared as fcuk.

No one to cook food, do laundry, change the sheets, clean the bathroom, throw the trash nor attend to my needs.

No one to assist me with school and work stuff, help with my artsy stuff nor back me up when I cram.

No familiarity of language, of the place, of the people, of the culture, of the rules… both clear-cut ones and the unspoken.

No car to bring me to places, nor near beaches for a quick vacation. No comfort food easily available. (Hello, Chicken Joy.) No quick patch when I’m down. No fun stuff that I am used to.

No family, friends and significant other when I need someone around me, neither when they need me to be around them.

No comfort that my own room gives when I need to be alone, nor toys and book collections that divert me when I need an upper.

No little cousins and godchildren. No pet dog too. No little bundles of joy. No happy pills.

No love around to calm my anxious self. No kisses. No hugs. No cuddles. No sex. No orgasms. No conversations. No reassuring conversations.

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There are lots of changes and challenges to endure, and lots of adjustments to do. People tell me it’s going to be fine. They tell me it’s a good way to know myself better and see how much more I can push myself. They tell me it’s going to be exciting, to immerse oneself in a new place. They tell me it will be a great learning opportunity, and not to mention, (somehow) it’s financially rewarding. Plus, traveling, lots of things to see and experience. Their list of the pros are endless.

But for today, even just for today… will you allow me to be scared? Because I am.

One month to go and I am scared as fcuk.

image

02.11.15. 8:01am

11 Feb

Gusto ko mag UP Fair, mag Maginhawa, manood ng sine, mag-aral mag bike, kumain ng hainanese chicken, sumubok ng bagong resto, pumunta sa di ko pa napupuntahan, hatiin ang weekend with family, gf and friends, pati ang magkaron ng me time… sa beach.

Gusto ko ng sun, sand, sea combo hanggang gabi, para sand, sea, stars combo na. Gusto ko mag snorkeling buong umaga, pagkatapos kakain ng seafood buffet sa tanghali. Gusto ko tumambay sa sand sa hapon, habang nagbabasa ng libro. Gusto ko mag-emote habang umiinom sa gabi, habang nag-iisip, habang nao-overwhelm sa laki ng Universe at sa what lies ahead.

Pero traffic kasi this weekend dahil V-day. Busy mga tao. Mahirap magplano.

So ano, i-delay ko muna B-day ko ganon? Mukhang ganon na nga.
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Nung bata ako, hanggang high school, laging may party pag bday ko. Si Mama nag-aayos ng handa. Nung college ako, tuwing bday ko nasa ibang lugar ako. Ako nag-aayos sa travel itinerary.

Ngayon, walang maplano. Di ko ma-align yun gusto ko. Tapos Vday daw kasi. First time ko makitang hadlang ang Valentine’s sa birthday ko. For the past 25years, hindi naman. Palala nga naman kasi ang traffic. And ewan ko ba.

I can tell myself it’s the company that makes birthdays happy, but I know I want something more. I kind of envisioned 02. 15. 2015. to be special. But then again, a vision, not a reality.

Story of My Life, FML.

26 Dec

I woke up with a terrible headache, as if I’m hungover. From what? I didn’t drink my tears, or did I?

It’s the day after Christmas. Read somewhere that today, couples should brace themselves for break-up season. Partners who did not want to ruin Christmas and wanted to spare themselves of the pain will now have the courage to leave.

Well, I think they’ll still hold on ’til New Year.

I think people’s expectations suddenly differ when there are occasions, like Christmas, New Year, Thanksgiving or birthdays. Your desires become a notch higher than they used to be. You would somehow hope for that extra sweetness, that surprise gift or letter, and that doubled time spent with each other.

But you know what they say about expecting… so there, leading to greater frustrations and disappointments. It may be followed by hate speeches and arguments, then the throwing of the inevitable lines “Goodbye. I’m out of this.”

Story of my life.

Comparative Degree

25 Dec

Someday, I’ll be with someone who is able to handle my mania, my depression, and my in-betweens.

I’ll be with someone who would stay true to her promise of love no matter how unstable my emotions get. Someone who would recognize what state I’m at and not use that against me. I’ll be with someone who would struggle to hug me every time I push her love away, which is quite often. I’ll be with someone who would enumerate all my flaws but still end it with “I’m staying, no matter what.”

I think someone crazier than me then!