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Dec 2016

18 Dec

I can’t wait to be home for the holidays to be with family. My dad is at his weakest, physically. I can imagine it to be the same with my mom, emotionally. Even just for 2 weeks, I want to be there for them.

My tears didn’t stop all weekend. Two things: I know he is in pain and I want him to be free of it, and I just realized he won’t really get to use my Christmas gift. Now that I’m able to give him something special, he won’t be able to enjoy it anyway. Life and its ironies.

I just ended a 3-year relationship as well. Other people’s response about death is  to make the most of the time they have now. But right now, I want to be detached. I’d rather lose someone by choice than nature taking its course. I want my parents to be the last emotional attainment I’ll ever have. My emotional and adversity quotients are too low to handle these things.

It’s 6am in Tokyo. Like the past nights wherein I couldn’t sleep because of work problems, now, I have more things that keep me up, sleepless and overthinking. But my life, my day has to go on.

It’s Sunday, I have part-time work. Got no one to process my thoughts and feelings with so though I hate this and want to resign, thankful for work diversions.

I need rainbows. This heavy downpour must stop soon!

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Say YES to What Scares You

1 Oct

…one party at a time!

#whenmyheadisnoisierthanusual #mustletitout #socialanxiety #onsomedaysidontlikeme

10.01.16 Temaki sushi and smoke party in the house with the kindergarten teachers today! Sharing something not quite about the party though haha

My overthinking self believes I’m not really invited, but since I live in K’s house, they asked me to join. Too bad my fellow Filipino teacher couldn’t go. It’ll be rude not to show up since I live here. They might think I don’t like them. Though it’s not part of work, it might seem unprofessional to ditch them when they’re just downstairs. How about a hi-bye, will that be fine?

If I go, I’m not sure when’s the best time to excuse myself. Will they think it’s rude to leave right away? Or will they judge me for staying the entire time given that I’d be out of place due to language barrier? If I try to join the conversation, I’ll be a burden to K since she has to translate some words for us. Oh no, they might think I’m just there for the food!

Since this was short notice, I didn’t have enough time to psych myself that I will be with more than 5 people while doing something not part of work. I mean, I know I could do it, I just need conditioning. But I was informed only yesterday, so I had a hard time convincing myself it’ll be fine.

Do I just say I have to go to Tokyo? Do I say I’m sick? Do I pretend to be asleep? I felt anxious the entire morning dreading lunch, pretended to be asleep when they knocked on my door, tried hard to compose myself while arguing with my partner about facing my fears, asked people I trust on what to do, let out a huge sigh when all answers lead to a go, then finally went down after almost an hour since that knock, and then stayed to join the ‘fun’ all afternoon.

I understood more than half the topic, and we had funny conversations. I excused myself to play with A in moments I felt kinda awkward. I had delicious pudding, and felt really full. I am thankful for their company, but also glad that it’s over. I survived about 5hours. Back in my room now, and the introvert me feels really drained, yet somehow feels accomplished because I said NO to my social anxiety.

I wrote these down hoping it’ll help me stop overthinking even more, and just focus on the fact that I said yes to something that makes me feel sick. Now, my next goal is to say YES to another social thing while actually enjoying it. 🙂

03.20.16

20 Mar

I just deactivated my @a********* account on Twitter, deleted 99% of my tweets from @8******** and still figuring out how to completely erase everything. I reclaimed my old one though, in case I need an outlet.

Thinking of emptying this too. I almost did, but I had to stop myself as letting go of everything at the same time might be too much.

We’ll see.

Anyway, self, KEEP GOING.

No need to look back, you’re ALWAYS HOME either way.

 

Down the Drain?

10 Oct

image

I’m away from home supposedly for a year. 6 months overseas now, I didn’t expect things to be such a fun but fruitful learning experience, and a valuable self-discovery.

The past weeks, my kindergarten came up with bigger plans for 2017. They want me to be part of the 2016 preparations, and 2017-2018 implementation. I am excited with the idea of helping plan and prepare for this. When the heads would introduce me to others, they often add “She is the pioneer.” Though jokingly, I like the idea. Though it will be added work and pressure, I like the idea of being able to help materialize something big, something useful for the future children of that school.

The company that sent me to this school only offers a 1-year contract. My kindergarten wants a 2-year contract though. They believe their big plans would only work by 2017 if they have a familiar teacher around, that’s me.

I should be happy.

1) Given that my kindergarten has kawaii children, and professional, systematic and kind-hearted people (principal, teachers and even parents), a 2-year contract is not scary at all. In fact, it means for the next 2years, there’s stability.

2) The kindergarten is very progressive, similar to what I studied in the university. School set-up back home, unfortunately, isn’t similar. I still have a lot of pointers to write down as I get “schooled” once again.

3) My work load will not be as light now, but challenges are building blocks. It will be good for my professional and personal development.

4) Though there is no Jollibee or Potato Corner, and though books and theater plays are in Nihongo, some of my favorite things are here: sushi, sashimi, toys, and surprisingly, independence. I didn’t know I’d enjoy doing chores, going to the supermarket, budgeting finances, and having alone time. I enjoy navigating my way in this foreign place, both literally with the complex train/subway and bus routes, and figuratively with their spoken and written language.

5) I’m in a beautiful country with interesting people, with traditions and values I have yet to take in, and with both modern and natural sight-seeing spots that have yet to take my breathe away.

It’s obvious I’m loving it here. A 2-year contract is a blessing. Again, I should be happy.

Not reallly.

1) I always pray to God for my family’s safety and health, but I know that in any case there’s an emergency, my kindergarten would allow me to take a leave for awhile. Still, a part of me is torn. My father has cancer. Should I be spending more time with him back home then?

2) I am thankful to God that my mom is still able to work, look after my dad, my dog, and herself, and pay the bills and medical expenses. Eventually, both my parents will be old enough that I need to be there for them. Being away now answers my needs and wants, career-wise and money-wise (if only I stop buying plane tickets). At this point, it is still okay to live life my way. I want to grab this opportunity while I still can. Am I being selfish?

3) I’m in a long distance relationship. In a few weeks, we’ll be 2 years together. She is a decade older than me. I’m in this life stage wherein I want to explore and enjoy whatever work and life has in store for me. However, she is at the settling stage. She understands where I’m coming from so she let me try it out for a year or two. Because of recent work updates, things changed. 3 years is too long a timeline for a long distance set-up, isn’t it?

I love her. This is the steadiest and most mature relationship I had. But I’m not yet ready to be home. She said waiting for 2 more years is something she can handle. But then she threw me a question that I, myself, coulnd’t answer. What if after 3 years, I still want to be here?

I agree with her that we will be able to manage a long distance set-up for 3 years, but I don’t want her wasting time with me if she could be free instead, in looking for a new love that will be able to meet whatever stage she is now. I love her so much, the thought of breaking up is hard, so I hate myself why the desire to be away is so strong.

The other day I told her I love her so much despite me wanting to be away. She didn’t respond. I couldn’t blame her. After her lack of reaction, I, myself, doubted the words I said. It confuses me how one can say I love you yet has no desire yet to be with their partners. Shouldn’t I supposed to be clingy and wanting to start a home with her since I just said I love her?

This morning, while hanging clothes I just washed, I saw the drain.

Remember when you first visited last summer? We were in a bad mood that it was raining because we couldn’t go out. I noticed the water in the terrace was going up, drain was apparently clogged. You went out to fix it.

Even if I’m without you physically, I only manage to be my happy self here because I have you. You fix leaks and drains.

Do I really have to choose one to keep, and the other down the drain?

Research Idea #1

12 Sep

Interesting fact I found out today, all 170 students in the kindergarten I work for have parents living together. They do not allow single parents in school, because it’s going to be hard for both the child and the single parent to participate in school activities. Most moms in the kindergarten are stay-at-home mothers who have the time to follow the hectic school calendar. The single parents have to work so no luxury of time to skip work and be in school. The kindergarten also wants to avoid making the children feel left out with activities involving parents.

If parents are divorced, children are usually sent to a nursery school. These nurseries are really made for children with both parents working, or for children of single parents. There, no Father’s Day, Mother’s Day nor Grandparents’ Day to celebrate, which are big events in the kindergarten. No child gets left behind in case he/she does not have a mom or dad around. Parents need not take unnecessary absence from work too. Nursery schools do not have the usual spring, summer and winter breaks in most schools to accommodate parents who cannot take time off work other than the usual national holidays.

With all these things I found out today, got me wondering. First, I wonder what’s the case for children who have their grandparents with them to help support a single parents’ schedule. Will they be allowed or still declined entry since there is the absence of one parent?

Second, in this modern times were divorced is allowed in this country, I’m amazed that the entire school has parents living together. I wonder if some of them are just lying haha I really find it hard to believe.

Lastly, I wonder how children are differently shaped in their early years, given that some attend kindergarten while some attend a nursery school. Growing up in a setting where family involvement is too crucial, versus one that isn’t. Growing up in a setting where you’re used to an ideal family set-up, verses one that is more realistic because you know, sometimes both parents need to work and sometimes marriages really fall apart.

I know I’m overthinking these things. One can’t really know the difference unless one makes a longitudinal study about it, which will take decades.

Sometimes, I wish I have the brains for research. Maybe I can do the reading, interviewing, gathering and sorting data, analyzing thing, but the right focus for it, naaah haha.

Oh well, I just typed this one right here in case I pursue graduate studies and a need for a research topic is necessary. At least now, I already have one idea in mind. 🙂

On Half-Hearted Apologies

28 Jul

I’m sorry I cannot be that person who “doesn’t need another person to be better.”

Hmm wait, no. There’s something wrong with how I said it. I’m not sorry for who I am, but I feel sorry that you’re with someone like me. Here’s another sorry –since that realization is not enough for me to “be better” in your standards.

Some people are just unstable enough to be left with their own thoughts. They move heaven and earth just to get by each day, without having to do something crazy like they used to. They believe they “grew up” already, survived that phase. They deal with life and “life” all over again, without anyone to depend on.

But you kow, an “assistive” touch does wonders.

So again, I’m sorry if I can’t be that person who “doesn’t need another person to be better.”

I’m tired of feeling sorry. Now, feel free to find a better version.

Word Vomit in TYO #1

20 Jul

It’s July 20, 6:08pm, Japan time.

I’m in Urawa, in Saitama Prefecture, but part of the Greater Tokyo Area, so I can claim to be living in Tokyo. I think it sounds cooler. Nah, it just make things easier for people to remember. You know, in case they want to visit.

I’ve been here for 3 and a half months now. I’m working as an English teacher for preschool children. More than the work, I’m here trying to be independent, learning what it’s like to have no one but yourself.

Most of the time, things have been pretty sunny. It would rain at times, but it quickly stops, then followed by rainbows. All good.

Today’s cloudier than usual though, or shall I say foggy.

But I can’t pinpoint yet why so I write this in order to help myself.

I don’t think it’s homesickness, because honestly, I’m enjoying my time alone. No mother to follow, no family to consider, no one to dictate this and that, no one to make me feel self-conscious.

I believe that in my short time here, I was already able to rebrand myself. I can sing, dance, act and be silly in front of teachers and students without being worried on how badly I look. I don’t have any talents, so I know I look awful and/or funny most of the time in front of children. But here, now, I let my guard down. Here and now, I can make fun of myself. Something I never really did back home.

I learned to do chores too — clean, cook and do laundry, and to finish tasks without help from other people too, without a mom or a partner to rescue you. Not anymore.

I enjoy here and now. I enjoy depending on no one but myself, to do things on my own and in my own time, or to not do things at all.

I sound okay. I think I’m doing okay.

But why did I say things seem foggy now?

I’m not quite sure too. I just feel down and out today. Like I need someone to talk to, but feels like I have no one.

I have my laptop, my ipad, my phones. I have all these SNS apps installed. I have my pocket wifi. I have everything charged and running. But I have no one.

Oh, please don’t tell me to just pray things out. I don’t need another chance to self-talk.

I want conversations.

I want conversations that are stimulating, makes me want to research while we talk. I want conversations that are serious, helps me reflect on things. Better if it will push me forward. I want conversations that are too shallow, gives me a breather from the researches and reflections that I did based on previous conversations we had.

I want a routine, of conversations with someone, but I want it with diversity. I want someone that I can talk with about different topics — about anything under the sun, or like how I prefer to say it, about anything under the rainbow’s arch.

Distance is hard when continuing relationships with people back home, but it’s possible. It can only be possible through conversations. It makes up for the lack of time and touch. What we can’t do physically, we can do mentally.

I believe in the power of the mind. It’s so strong. Strong to the point that it’s hard for me to control it, all these thoughts.

If only I have someone to process things with.