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Third-Degree Burns

19 Jul

Light Up the Fire

I gaze into the heart, lowly it may be,
Thought the words be higher still.
For the heart is all the substance,
The speech an accident.
How many phrases will you speak,
Too many for me.
How much burning, burning will you feel,
Be friendly with the fire, enough for me.
Light up the fire of love inside,
And blaze the thoughts away.

-Rumi

 

I was looking for a poem on solitude, on how it serves as a companion (aka together with a bunch of good/bad/mixed thoughts), and I stumbled upon fire yet again.

Fireflies, twin flames, fascinations and code names… last 3 involved fire.

Currently, suffering but surviving third-degree burns.

—–

La vita è bella. Believe it and live it.

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The Fire Starter

18 Aug

A year ago today, the fire started.

It used to be her source of warmth, her guiding light out the tunnel, her defense and more.

Everything is ever-changing, they say.

Warmth turned to heat, guiding turned blinding, defense turned weakness, and from more to less… to none at all.

Fire’s still not out.

It’s black. There’s smoke and pain.

Lungs tightening, brain crashing, and heart breaking,

She catches her breath as she gathers the ashes left from that bonfire they once lit up together,

From night to dusk, picked them all up, down to the last speck.

Sealing it with a kiss, she whispered,

“Be safe, my love. I’ll keep you.. undiscovered, protected, with me, in me, always.”

But truth of the matter is, despite the big flame, the sun will consume that light from the fire.

After the dark, the sun will rise and shine, now turning the flame useless.

Still.

Run

7 Aug

All I ever wanted was for you to run after me.

Run to me, I promise I’m worth it.

Admissions

6 Aug

Admitted… someone dear to the hospital due to cardiac arrest.

Admitted…  my truest feelings, how I wanted you to fight for this.

Admitted… to myself that you won’t really do anything for us.

Open.

Admissions without acceptance are nothing but denials.

Forget You

4 Aug

I can’t wait for that day when all the heart I’ve poured out in this avenue will no longer be fact but fiction. Or if that will be too much to ask, at least may it be a distant memory.

Double is Trouble

2 Aug

Word vomit. Too many thoughts I have to let out so I can hold it all in.

Here it goes…

I used to have two lives, a closet life and an out-and-proud life.

First was family concerns, and then next was my profession as an educator.  In this conservative country, being a member of the LGBTQ is now tolerated, but still not really accepted. I think this is more intensified if you work with children.  (You know, morality issues. But again, who are we to judge who’s moral and not?) Some still has that backward mind that believes being gay can be contagious, that I can somehow influence the minds of the children and turn them rainbow-blooded like myself.

After some years of processing and self-acceptance, I was able to settle the one with family, so screw relatives. I’m not out to my children and their parents, but the admin and other school employees do know, and I’m fine with that. (Well, for now. But anyway, a profession involving children yet open about my sexual orientation deserves a separate post, so let’s reserve this to some other day.)

Now, I’ve been successful in being true to myself, to the people dear to me, and to most people around me. Hurrah!

BUT…

As much as this is worth celebrating, lately, I’m still living a double life… a manic one and a depressed one.

People see me at home and in school laughing. Friends see my life as eventful. Followers see my tweets happy. You can converse with me and see I’m steady okay. Honestly, I totally feel otherwise. Crazy. At the end of the day, when all the boxes are ticked. I feel tired from everything, I cry, I over think, I miss, I long… I love. But everything at a distance from people that matter.

It’s not about being pretentious.I think I really just don’t like people to see I’m hurting. Aside from the fact that I  don’t want to give others the schadenfreude, I just can’t let my family and friends know that I feel pain. I’ve seen my loved ones hurt because I’m hurt once, and I have no plans of doing that to them again. Ever.

Self, do not let others see that it’s devastating, because you have been warned… so many times.

Don’t lose it, princess. Breathe.

And self, you chose her, and you chose this.

Now, HOLD IT ALL IN.

Dear A…

1 Aug

I used to be sad because of losing you. I went crazy handling that loss and longing.

Lately, more than that, I’m sad because I’m already used to being sad, like it’s my normal mood and disposition. Being happy surprises me.

I used to be always in a jolly mood and with an optimistic view. Now, I’m always down and expecting people to disappoint me.

This is not me.

A new friend wished me luck in rediscovering myself.

Somewhere along the way in forgetting my love for you, I’m losing a big part of me too.

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Come find me, anyone?