Down the Drain?

10 Oct

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I’m away from home supposedly for a year. 6 months overseas now, I didn’t expect things to be such a fun but fruitful learning experience, and a valuable self-discovery.

The past weeks, my kindergarten came up with bigger plans for 2017. They want me to be part of the 2016 preparations, and 2017-2018 implementation. I am excited with the idea of helping plan and prepare for this. When the heads would introduce me to others, they often add “She is the pioneer.” Though jokingly, I like the idea. Though it will be added work and pressure, I like the idea of being able to help materialize something big, something useful for the future children of that school.

The company that sent me to this school only offers a 1-year contract. My kindergarten wants a 2-year contract though. They believe their big plans would only work by 2017 if they have a familiar teacher around, that’s me.

I should be happy.

1) Given that my kindergarten has kawaii children, and professional, systematic and kind-hearted people (principal, teachers and even parents), a 2-year contract is not scary at all. In fact, it means for the next 2years, there’s stability.

2) The kindergarten is very progressive, similar to what I studied in the university. School set-up back home, unfortunately, isn’t similar. I still have a lot of pointers to write down as I get “schooled” once again.

3) My work load will not be as light now, but challenges are building blocks. It will be good for my professional and personal development.

4) Though there is no Jollibee or Potato Corner, and though books and theater plays are in Nihongo, some of my favorite things are here: sushi, sashimi, toys, and surprisingly, independence. I didn’t know I’d enjoy doing chores, going to the supermarket, budgeting finances, and having alone time. I enjoy navigating my way in this foreign place, both literally with the complex train/subway and bus routes, and figuratively with their spoken and written language.

5) I’m in a beautiful country with interesting people, with traditions and values I have yet to take in, and with both modern and natural sight-seeing spots that have yet to take my breathe away.

It’s obvious I’m loving it here. A 2-year contract is a blessing. Again, I should be happy.

Not reallly.

1) I always pray to God for my family’s safety and health, but I know that in any case there’s an emergency, my kindergarten would allow me to take a leave for awhile. Still, a part of me is torn. My father has cancer. Should I be spending more time with him back home then?

2) I am thankful to God that my mom is still able to work, look after my dad, my dog, and herself, and pay the bills and medical expenses. Eventually, both my parents will be old enough that I need to be there for them. Being away now answers my needs and wants, career-wise and money-wise (if only I stop buying plane tickets). At this point, it is still okay to live life my way. I want to grab this opportunity while I still can. Am I being selfish?

3) I’m in a long distance relationship. In a few weeks, we’ll be 2 years together. She is a decade older than me. I’m in this life stage wherein I want to explore and enjoy whatever work and life has in store for me. However, she is at the settling stage. She understands where I’m coming from so she let me try it out for a year or two. Because of recent work updates, things changed. 3 years is too long a timeline for a long distance set-up, isn’t it?

I love her. This is the steadiest and most mature relationship I had. But I’m not yet ready to be home. She said waiting for 2 more years is something she can handle. But then she threw me a question that I, myself, coulnd’t answer. What if after 3 years, I still want to be here?

I agree with her that we will be able to manage a long distance set-up for 3 years, but I don’t want her wasting time with me if she could be free instead, in looking for a new love that will be able to meet whatever stage she is now. I love her so much, the thought of breaking up is hard, so I hate myself why the desire to be away is so strong.

The other day I told her I love her so much despite me wanting to be away. She didn’t respond. I couldn’t blame her. After her lack of reaction, I, myself, doubted the words I said. It confuses me how one can say I love you yet has no desire yet to be with their partners. Shouldn’t I supposed to be clingy and wanting to start a home with her since I just said I love her?

This morning, while hanging clothes I just washed, I saw the drain.

Remember when you first visited last summer? We were in a bad mood that it was raining because we couldn’t go out. I noticed the water in the terrace was going up, drain was apparently clogged. You went out to fix it.

Even if I’m without you physically, I only manage to be my happy self here because I have you. You fix leaks and drains.

Do I really have to choose one to keep, and the other down the drain?

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