Word Vomit in TYO #1

20 Jul

It’s July 20, 6:08pm, Japan time.

I’m in Urawa, in Saitama Prefecture, but part of the Greater Tokyo Area, so I can claim to be living in Tokyo. I think it sounds cooler. Nah, it just make things easier for people to remember. You know, in case they want to visit.

I’ve been here for 3 and a half months now. I’m working as an English teacher for preschool children. More than the work, I’m here trying to be independent, learning what it’s like to have no one but yourself.

Most of the time, things have been pretty sunny. It would rain at times, but it quickly stops, then followed by rainbows. All good.

Today’s cloudier than usual though, or shall I say foggy.

But I can’t pinpoint yet why so I write this in order to help myself.

I don’t think it’s homesickness, because honestly, I’m enjoying my time alone. No mother to follow, no family to consider, no one to dictate this and that, no one to make me feel self-conscious.

I believe that in my short time here, I was already able to rebrand myself. I can sing, dance, act and be silly in front of teachers and students without being worried on how badly I look. I don’t have any talents, so I know I look awful and/or funny most of the time in front of children. But here, now, I let my guard down. Here and now, I can make fun of myself. Something I never really did back home.

I learned to do chores too — clean, cook and do laundry, and to finish tasks without help from other people too, without a mom or a partner to rescue you. Not anymore.

I enjoy here and now. I enjoy depending on no one but myself, to do things on my own and in my own time, or to not do things at all.

I sound okay. I think I’m doing okay.

But why did I say things seem foggy now?

I’m not quite sure too. I just feel down and out today. Like I need someone to talk to, but feels like I have no one.

I have my laptop, my ipad, my phones. I have all these SNS apps installed. I have my pocket wifi. I have everything charged and running. But I have no one.

Oh, please don’t tell me to just pray things out. I don’t need another chance to self-talk.

I want conversations.

I want conversations that are stimulating, makes me want to research while we talk. I want conversations that are serious, helps me reflect on things. Better if it will push me forward. I want conversations that are too shallow, gives me a breather from the researches and reflections that I did based on previous conversations we had.

I want a routine, of conversations with someone, but I want it with diversity. I want someone that I can talk with about different topics — about anything under the sun, or like how I prefer to say it, about anything under the rainbow’s arch.

Distance is hard when continuing relationships with people back home, but it’s possible. It can only be possible through conversations. It makes up for the lack of time and touch. What we can’t do physically, we can do mentally.

I believe in the power of the mind. It’s so strong. Strong to the point that it’s hard for me to control it, all these thoughts.

If only I have someone to process things with.

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