Double is Trouble

2 Aug

Word vomit. Too many thoughts I have to let out so I can hold it all in.

Here it goes…

I used to have two lives, a closet life and an out-and-proud life.

First was family concerns, and then next was my profession as an educator.  In this conservative country, being a member of the LGBTQ is now tolerated, but still not really accepted. I think this is more intensified if you work with children.  (You know, morality issues. But again, who are we to judge who’s moral and not?) Some still has that backward mind that believes being gay can be contagious, that I can somehow influence the minds of the children and turn them rainbow-blooded like myself.

After some years of processing and self-acceptance, I was able to settle the one with family, so screw relatives. I’m not out to my children and their parents, but the admin and other school employees do know, and I’m fine with that. (Well, for now. But anyway, a profession involving children yet open about my sexual orientation deserves a separate post, so let’s reserve this to some other day.)

Now, I’ve been successful in being true to myself, to the people dear to me, and to most people around me. Hurrah!

BUT…

As much as this is worth celebrating, lately, I’m still living a double life… a manic one and a depressed one.

People see me at home and in school laughing. Friends see my life as eventful. Followers see my tweets happy. You can converse with me and see I’m steady okay. Honestly, I totally feel otherwise. Crazy. At the end of the day, when all the boxes are ticked. I feel tired from everything, I cry, I over think, I miss, I long… I love. But everything at a distance from people that matter.

It’s not about being pretentious.I think I really just don’t like people to see I’m hurting. Aside from the fact that I  don’t want to give others the schadenfreude, I just can’t let my family and friends know that I feel pain. I’ve seen my loved ones hurt because I’m hurt once, and I have no plans of doing that to them again. Ever.

Self, do not let others see that it’s devastating, because you have been warned… so many times.

Don’t lose it, princess. Breathe.

And self, you chose her, and you chose this.

Now, HOLD IT ALL IN.

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